Being Part of a Large Family

My Grandmother 2015

Monday at 2:30 pm the world became a bit duller as a great woman of incredible faith and strength passed from this world to the next. I of course am speaking of my own grandmother, Elizabeth Sue, or Ma Suzie as her entire family affectionately called her. She was 92. 

I can say I honestly envied her passion to live and her strength but to say that I was close, physically or emotionally, to my grandmother would be a lie.  I know who my grandmother is by the family legacy she leaves behind.  I have grown up listening to stories of my Grandmothers life and even witnessed her maternal interaction with her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren.  She was a true matriarch to my family, which is quite large by average standards. My mother is one of seven siblings and I am one of 16 grandchildren.  Ma Suzie also had 29 great-grandchildren and 5 great-great-grandchildren.  

This brings me to my observations on having a large family. 

 Over the years I have read many articles and discussed the advantages of being part of a large family.  Generally people who are part of a large family structure are happier, learn to share and build relationships…wait what?  I must have missed that part.  Building relationships within a family that size is actually quite difficult.  As I look back now I realize my grandmother and I are what is considered a “missed connection”.  This is not a gripe or a whine but simply an observation.

 

I lived the majority of my life away from my grandmother, building my own family structure around my parents, brother, my own family and several close friends.  My parents visited “home” more as they got older but the strains of everyday life did not allow for much interaction with my grandmother while I was younger.  There were exceptions of course such as special events and holidays.  During those occasions her house, or whoever we were visiting, could easily be filled with 50-100 people so one-on-one time with anyone was limited, especially my grandmother.  The entire family fought to be near her and capture her attention and approval. 

She was always happiest with her family surrounding her.  This is how I think we are most alike.  
Her children - Joyce, Larry, Patricia (Mom), Lynette, Deborah, Shelia, and Larry. 

As I got older regrettably I did not reach out to her as much as I should have and that is something I will always carry with me.  But from my time with Ma Suzie, no matter how limited, this is what I learned of her:  She was a great lady, a provider of true Christian charity to ANYONE she met.  She was a pillar of strength and courage to all who knew her.  She was a role model to anyone within her community. She cared for the weak, the elderly and the young until her own health would not allow. She would not approve of me saying this, but she even kicked death square in the ass...a couple of times! She surrounded herself with family and friends. Although I did not spend my life around her she was definitely a part of my life, leaving a huge mark on who I am and who I hope to become.

Mom & My Grandmother

Her passing is felt and she will be greatly missed by all who knew her.  Thursday as we attend her funeral I am reminded it is not a funeral at all but a celebration of a life well lived.

My Experience with Body Shaming

Let me start by stating the obvious, all women are beautiful with their varying forms.  Our individual physical appearance and style is part of a larger package that makes each of us unique and interesting. Let's face it, if every one of us met the same beauty standard then none of us would be remarkable.

HERE COMES MY RANT - If a woman is comfortable wearing clothing that accentuates or displays a certain part of her body then that is her decision to make. As long as she is respectful of the general public and her environment, then she should be fine with wearing things that accentuate the things she believes make her more appealing and attractive. On the other hand, if you are the type of person who feels the need to complain about a display of shoulders, cleavage, legs, or butt, perhaps you need to address your own underlying issue.  Maybe you have insecurity issues and it makes you feel better about yourself to belittle others (by the way, that's called bullying).  Maybe you used to be a hottie and thirty years later you no longer see that sexy reflection in the mirror so the little green monster of jealousy takes hold now and then.  Then again, maybe you are just an ugly person inside with a soul that belies your outward appearance.

My rant has a lot to do with my adventure at a Ren Faire this past weekend. While the Faire itself was a lot of fun I cannot help but feel the levity of the weekend was overshadowed by an incident in which I felt body shamed because my pirate gear is a bit provocative…OK,  OK, truth is it involves a corset which usually hoists the “girls” to my chin. 

Implying that another woman needs to “rethink her wardrobe choices” because it does not confirm to your personal standard is a form of body shaming!  What a woman chooses to wear tells you nothing about her character, her life history, or what she has hidden deep in the closet of her anxieties.  Monday can be sexy & fitted, Tuesday classic & conservative, Wednesday trendy & fun…the choice is hers!

Here’s a quick newsflash…I am very happy with myself and my appearance.  I am a 45 year old woman who feels comfortable putting my body in pinup attire, pirate gear, and cosplay.  This is the body God gave me and at this point in my life I have no complaints and, for the most part, the public I encounter seems to appreciate it.  But to those who would seek to make me feel bad because I am proud of my appearance, do not assume to know anything about my past journey and how I have come to be where I am.  There was a time in my life that I was NOT comfortable in my own skin.  I have lived through a time when my skin made me feel like a monster.  When people stared, pointed and even harassed me based on my outward appearance.  During that time nothing ever showed! I would not even wear short sleeves.  A lot has changed but I still feel the painful sting of that period of my life.

 

I emerged on the other side of my personal "dark ages" with the ability to see other women who are battling with their own imperfections and the struggle they go through to feel whole.  That struggle, no matter the reason, is the underlying purpose for which I created The Memphettes Social Society, a place where women can meet and interact and not feel judged.

Yes, this incident bothered me.  I let it get under my skin and fester.  Partly because my goal for The Memphettes is to encourage other women to feel empowered by their uniqueness and partly because it made me feel embarrassed about my own appearance. Don't let what others think about you bother you, right?  I wish it was that easy.  Even on my strongest days my long buried self-loathing can rear up like a monster if it hears the right words. But I have to put it down, repeatedly slaying my own dragons, I guess.  To be the target of the very thing I am working to help other women overcome is more of a heartbreak than it is a down right insult.  We all owe it to one another, not only as women but as humans, to think before we speak.  We have no shields or armor that can deflect the arrows of unkind words and the damage they are intended to inflict.  Never assume you know someone's story or anything about them based on what they wore out of the house today.  And most of all, remember what mama always said “if you can’t say something nice keep your damn mouth closed!”